Sharing of Good Jokes

[AltisOwner]

The priest and bike

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty,
and was leaving his mission in the jungle,
where he has spent years teaching the natives,
when he realizes that the one thing he never
taught them, was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief,

"This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts,

"Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says,

"This is a rock."

Hearing this, the chief looks and repeats,

"Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about his results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of
natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds,
"Man riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both..

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that
he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied,
"My bike."

ENJOY YOUR DAY and remember to keep off the roads when riding somebody else's bicycle.

 

 

[kykh]

A man showed up at a Toyota showroom, took out $2,000 and told the salesman, "Give me a Camry". The salesman was shocked and said, "Bro, your money is not enough". The man raised his voice and said, "Look at your advertisement outside; it has written "Camry 2000". The salesman calmly replied, "Bro, you go out, turn right to the showroom next door, it's much cheaper, BMW 525!!!" 

BMW’s salesman: Bro, go out turn right, the Mercedes showroom has C 180
Merc’s salesman: Bro, go out turn right down the road you will find Volvo V 40
Volvo’s salesman: Turn left, Audi showroom has A8
Audi’s salesman: Honda showroom next door now has Honda Freed!!!

[Still2016]

A nun went for a urine test. The sample got mixed up. j

 

 

When the doctor told her she was pregnant, she cried and said,

" Shit, we can't even trust cucumber anymore! "

[Still2016]

A judge asked a woman  why she wanted a divorce.

She answered, "Your Honor, he knew I'm a vegetarian and yet he still insists on putting his meat in my mouth."

[SuPerBoRed]

A judge asked a woman  why she wanted a divorce.

She answered, "Your Honor, he knew I'm a vegetarian and yet he still insists on putting his meat in my mouth."

Judge, '' but i thought vegans can eat fruits?''

 

@vid 

[AltisOwner]

Some morning jokes......

 

 

[AltisOwner]

LOL....

 

Edited August 2, 2017 by AltisOwner

[AltisOwner]

There was this couple that was married for 10 years, and had a fine sex life, with one exception - every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights all the way.

Well, at first it wasn't so annoying, but after 20 years of marriage the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a specially made pleasure device. She got very angry. "You impotent b**tard!" she screamed at him, "How could you have been lying to me all these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy if you explain where the kids came from."

 

 

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Frog and Witch

Long ago there was a man who had a 25 inch penis. After consulting many people and finding no solution to his big problem, he decided to consult with a local witch.

Once with the witch he said, ''I need your help. My penis is so big it's hard for me to find women who can accommodate me. Can you help me?"

 

The witch said, "Go to the forest, in the middle of it you'll find a frog, ask it to marry you. It is a cursed frog, and every time it says no, the curse will cause your penis to shrink 5 inches, which in your case is actually a blessing!"

So he went to the forest, and after hours of walking he found the frog, kneeled down and asked the frog to marry him.

The frog said, "No."

Then his penis shrunk five inches.


He asked the frog again, "Will you marry me?" And again, the frog said, "No."
And it shrunk another five inches.

Then he thought, "15 inches is still too big. I'll ask it again. Ten inches will be fine."

So he asked the frog one more time, "Will you marry me?"

The frog looked up at him in disgust and said, "I told you: No, no, and NO!"

[AltisOwner]

Amusing Automotive Humor and Car Fun: Wise 4-Year-Old

One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter in the van and honked his car horn by mistake.

She immediately turned and looked at him with an expectant look on her face.

Seeing her look at him he said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "Oh, yes, I know that, daddy."

He replied, "How did you know?"

The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'a**hole!' afterwards!"

Up until now we have been presenting you with mostly short funny jokes about driving.

However, automotive humor is diverse, and not all our car jokes are short; some of our driving jokes are very funny long jokes.

Some of the longer automobile jokes we are about to present might even make you think a bit - which is totally unnecessary, of course.

Without further ado, here are a few of those:

 

 

 

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Comical Automotive Humor: An Amusing Truck Joke

A grizzled old trucker was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first biker walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter.

 

A moment later the second biker walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter.

The third biker walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

 

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner.

 

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, that old coot, he was not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles and drove off."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[AltisOwner]

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down.

A lady cashier walked up to him and said, ‘Your barracks door is open.’

Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, ‘Your fly is open.’
He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was who told him about his ‘barracks door.’
He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said,

‘When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?’

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said . .. ..

‘No, no, I didn’t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags.'

 

 

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[AltisOwner]

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barbers chair and said, "Ill have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

 

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldnt like that."

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and Ill pay you the difference." She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

 

 

 

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Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating red meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass. The priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist and raised as a Baptist, but now you are Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors.

As the priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat while chanting, "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you are a catfish."

[AltisOwner]

A plain computer illeterate guy rings tech support to report that his computer is faulty.

Tech: What's the problem?

User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.

Tech: You'll need a new power supply.

User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.

User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the command.

10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The tech is frustrated and fed up.

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

User: I knew it!

Tech: Just add the line LOAD <http://nosmoke.com/> NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the CONFIG.SYS.

Let me know how it goes.

10 minutes later.

User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.

Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

User: MS-DOS 6.22.

Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you the file. Let me know how it goes.

1 hour later.

User: I need a new power supply.

Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?

User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.

Tech: Then what did he say?

User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE.

[AltisOwner]

The HR manager received the following appraisal report one day:

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without

3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never

4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always

5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended

6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee

7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no

8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be

10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be

11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be

12 promoted to executive management, and a propoal will be

13 executed as soon as possible.


Later that day, the same HR manager received the following addendum:

Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I
wrote the report sent to you earlier today.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines

[AltisOwner]

The Cat and the Wind Chime

A cat was standing at the balcony gazing
at a wind chime on the opposite building.
The cat has fallen in love with her, but
she's foolishly waiting for the wind.

The wind swiftly came by and danced
with her for a while, but left her crying
when he's gone. It pained the cat to see
that, but the sound of her cry was melodic.

The wind chime couldn't do anything
unless the wind came to visit her.
The cat couldn't talk to her unless
he crossed the street and climbed over.

Between them was just the distance of a street,
and the cat could have easily crossed over.
But even if he did, nothing could be changed;
As the wind chime was only meant for the wind .

[AltisOwner]

Buying Viagra.....

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answere  d, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes"   

 

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Old People Football.......

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure's on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.

Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he has, but instead of farting, he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[AltisOwner]

Hard Of Hearing......

An elderly couple was driving cross-country, and the woman was driving.

She gets pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING."

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE."

The woman gives him her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had."

The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

"HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU," the old man yells.

[AltisOwner]

WEEKEND Jokes:

 

 

Men are like......Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like.....Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....Bank Machines.
Once they withdraw they lose interest

Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just LOOK SILLY

Men are like.....Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like.....Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your ass.

Men are like.....Coffee
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like.....Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like.....Computers
Hard to figure out, and never have enough memory.

Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....Lawn Mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like.....Noodles.
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Men are like.....Plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like.....Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....Snowstorms.
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or
how long he will last.

Men are like.....Used Cars.
Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable  

 

[AltisOwner]

On Valentines Day, Paul is walking to his girl's house and passes a florist shop.

On a whim he buys a big bunch of flowers for her.

When he gets to her house he holds the flowers out to her.

Instead to taking them she slides her panties off from under her skirt, lays back on the couch, spreads her legs and says "This is for the flowers."

Paul looks at her and says " Oh come now, surely you have a vase around here somewhere."

 

 

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The highly religious young man entered his wedding chamber and was shocked to find his new young bride awaiting him, spread-eagle and naked on their bed.

"My dear!" he exclaimed, "I expected to find you beside our bed and on your knees!"

"OK," she said, obediently changing positions, "but I always get the hiccups when I screw in that position."

 

 

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Joe met Suzi in a nightclub.

They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Suzi invited Joe to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Suzi began tenderly stroking Joe's manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, Joe comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more?

Suzi replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine... "