Sharing of Good Jokes

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A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride. His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle. Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"

 

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

 

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."

 

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling, I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.

 

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him? He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb under the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there. A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy."

 

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

 

"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?"

 

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.

 

"Well, you should've checked the brakes, your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."

 

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In days of old, this young sailor was about to sign up for a 6-month trip on a sailing ship. He asked the captain about sex life, since there would be no women on the ship.

"Don' ye worry about it, lad. We'll make sure your needs are taken care of."

 

After about 2 weeks at sea, the lad had a bone that wouldn't go away, so he went to ask the captain how to take care of it.

 

"Aye, lad, 'ere's ya key. Go open up the door under the ladder. In there you'll find a barrel, take the bung out of the hole and insert your manhood. I think you'll find this arrangement satisfactory."

 

The lad went down, opened the door, removed the bung, inserted his prick and got his rocks off in record time. In fact, it was SO good he asked for the key the next five nights in a row.

 

On the sixth night, the captain said, "Not tonight, laddie; it's your turn in the barrel."

 

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An old man on the beach said to a beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts!"

"Get away from me, you crazy old man!" she replied.

 

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he said.

 

"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

 

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you $100!" he stated.

 

"NO! Get away from me!"

 

"$200", he offered.

 

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"

 

"$500 if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed. She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough ... and $500 IS a lot of money ... "Well, OK ... but only for a minute."

 

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel. Then he started saying, "OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ..." while he was caressing them.

 

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my God, oh my God'?"

 

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD ... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get $500?"

 

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"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

"How do you know?" the friend asked.

 

"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

 

"So?"

 

"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

 

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A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married?

 

Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the

right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

 

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at

least on girl that you wanted to marry."

 

"Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one

perfect girl.

 

The only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right

everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

 

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.

 

"She was looking for the perfect man," he said.

 

 

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This little Italian boy and this little Jewish boy lived about

a block apart in the neighborhood and basically grew up together.

The Jewish boy was the son of a jeweler and the Italian boy was

the son of a hitman. Oddly enough, they had the same .

Well, for their 12th , the little Jewish boy gets a

Rolex watch and the little Italian boy gets a .22 Baretta.

 

The next day they are out on the street corner comparing their

presents and neither is happy so they switch gifts with each

other. The little Italian boy goes home to show his father and

his father is NOT pleased!

 

"What're you, nuts? Lemme tell you something, you idiot!! Some

day you're gonna meet a nice girl, you're gonna wanna settle

down and get married. You'll have a few kids, all that stuff.

THEN one day, you're gonna come home and find your wife in bed

with another man. What the heck ya gonna do??? Look at your

watch and say, 'Hey, how long you gonna be?'"

 

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Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife

sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with

self-hypnosis. And, to her joy, everything got much better.

 

However, she could not help but notice that each night, early

into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the

bathroom for several minutes.

 

This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him.

There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this

therapeutic technique: "She's not my wife... She's not my

wife...She's not my wife..."

 

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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a flyswatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.

 

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

 

"Oh!, Killing any?" She asked.

 

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.

 

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

 

"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone". He responded

 

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A guy tells his psychiatrist:

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A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.

"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation."

 

"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."'

 

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.

 

"What was that for?" he complained.

 

"Your dog called last night."

 

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A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

 

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After theyve had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wifes going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

 

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. Where the hell have you been?" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!"

 

Moral of the story:

Always tell your wife the truth. She wont believe you anyway.

At least your conscience is clear.

 

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A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost."

 

"What do you mean almost?" question the priest.

 

"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

 

"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in," explains the priest. "You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

 

The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave.

 

The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, "I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

 

"Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it in!"

 

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A guy from Glasgow took a vacation to Aberdeen.

While there, he met up with a prostitute. After sex, the prostitute said: "

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Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work!

 

But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished--something's up.

 

It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to be romantic. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it.

 

"We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."

 

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

 

"Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"

 

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One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that.

There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only

costs $10.00.

 

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the

computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

 

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small

slip of paper which read:

 

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

 

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology

was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

 

The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:

 

Your tap water is too hard.

Get a water softener.

 

Your dog has ringworm.

Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

 

Your daughter is using cocaine.

Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

 

Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls.

They aren't yours.

Get a lawyer.

 

And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get

better.

 

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Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating.

 

"Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

 

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die"

 

"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed."

 

On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.

 

"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?"

 

The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

 

 

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A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I

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A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar. The bartender walks over to them and says, "What can I get for you?"

 

The man says "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says, "OK, that will be $3.87."

 

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, "What'll you guys have?"

 

The man says, "I'll have a beer", the ostrich says, "I'll have a beer", and the cat says "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." The bartender gets them their beer and says "That'll be $3.87."

 

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks "What do you guys want today?"

 

The man says, "I'll have a scotch", the ostrich says, "I'll have a bourbon", and the cat says, "I'll have half a beer and I'm not buying." So the bartender says "OK, that will be $7.53." The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

 

The bartender's curiosity got the best of him and he asks, "Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?"

 

The man said, "I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy."

 

The bartender says, "That's a great wish...better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?"

 

The man says, "That's where I screwed up. I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."