Sharing of Good Jokes

[Byteslurve]

A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business loan.

 

"What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager.

 

"I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women's vagina and it makes it taste like a peach."

 

"I don't think we can give you a loan." he replied.

 

So the guy left. A few months later he went into the bank with a wheel barrel filled with money.

 

The same bank manager said, "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off."

 

"Nah, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder."

 

"Really," replied the bank manager. "What does it do?"

 

"Give me a peach and I'll show you."

 

[Byteslurve]

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

 

The Sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.

 

"I'm a cop", says the first man.

 

"Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the Sheik.

 

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

 

"I'm a firemen", said the second man.

 

"Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

 

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"

 

And the third man answered, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

 

[Byteslurve]

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

 

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."

 

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"

 

"Tarzan check for bees!"

 

[Byteslurve]

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

 

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and told me how much she adored me."

 

 

"Ah, last night," the Italian said, "I made love to my wife six times, and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

 

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

 

"Once," he replied.

 

"Only once!?" the Italian arrogantly snorted while the Frenchman laughed. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

 

"She said, 'I guess we had better stop -- it's time to get up.'"

 

[Byteslurve]

Man goes to the bar and says "bartender, give me 7 shots of Vodka."

The bartender says "Ok, but pal you are gonna hurt yourself with that." The man says "Just pour them."

 

The man takes the first shot and the bartender says "Hey, you want to talk about it"? The man says "No!" and drinks the next 2 shots.

 

The bartender says "Come on and tell me about it I've got a good ear, that's why a lot of people come here for, to tell their troubles."

 

The man by then has finished the 7 shots and says "Ok, today was my first blowjob." The bartender says "Hey great, have another on the house."

 

The man says "No, if 7 doesn't get the taste out, nothing will!"

 

[Byteslurve]

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?

[Byteslurve]

This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.

 

Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."

 

Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news."

 

Again the guy interrupts.

 

Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?"

 

Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegetative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."

 

The guy slumps, just crushed.

 

Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."

 

The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.

 

Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."

 

By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.

 

The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Hey, look at me." The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, "I'm just Screwing with you, she's dead."

 

[Byteslurve]

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

 

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

 

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

 

"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I

[Byteslurve]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

 

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

 

The old man says without hesitation - "I now pronounce you man and wife."

 

 

[Byteslurve]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks,

"How long before I can get a haircut?"

 

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

 

The guy leaves.

 

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, " How long before I can get a haircut?"

 

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."

 

The guy leaves.

 

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

 

The barber looks around the shop and says,

"About an hour and a half."

 

The guy leaves.

 

The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

 

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

 

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

 

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."

 

[Byteslurve]

There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his job.

 

She began to scream and yell, "You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?"

 

"For twenty years I

[Byteslurve]

A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he

[Bens]

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day,carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

 

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, $165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

 

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

 

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

 

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there

was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

 

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the

president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

 

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

 

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

 

The president asked the old lady,

 

"What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"

 

She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

 

so funny!

so smart businesswoman!

 

[Byteslurve]

Mick's wife was furiously humping away with her husband's best mate, Peter, when suddenly the phone rang. She hopped out of bed and returned to the sweaty sheet after a brief conversation.

 

"Who was it?" the back stabbing buddy asked.

 

"Oh, that was Mick," she replied calmly.

 

"Oh crap, I'd better be going then!" he said. "Did Mick say where he was?"

 

"Relax -- he's down at the pub playing a few games of pool with you."

 

[Byteslurve]

A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out.

She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing?

She says, "Reading my book." The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing.

To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"

Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."

The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."

To which the lady replied, "Yeah, but you have all the equipment!"

 

[Byteslurve]

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

 

"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

 

"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"

 

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.

 

"He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"

 

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

 

As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.

 

He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.

 

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could.

 

It wasn't that effective!

 

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

 

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

 

"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."

 

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"

 

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

 

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

 

"Only if it's raining."

 

[Byteslurve]

Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.

 

So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore." So she drove the boat to shore.

 

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television.

 

She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."

 

[Byteslurve]

Two farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbors, but didn't like each other much. In 1989, there was a period of -30 degree centigrade cold and Bob and Joe had nothing to do because of it. So they bet a bottle of vodka who can sit out on the window ledge the longest with a bare ass.

 

After two hours Bob's wife came home and asked Bob, "What are you doing?"

 

Bob explained and she said, "Come on... you will only freeze your ass off."

 

Bob refused as he wanted to win the bet.

 

Then his wife got an idea. "Let's change places when Joe is looking the other way."

 

Bob's wife put on the same kind of pullover and cap and traded places with Bob.

 

Half an hour later Joe's wife came home and asked him, "What are you doing?"

 

Joe told her and said, "I am determined to win the bottle!"

 

"You are crazy. Come on in."

 

"Certainly not, I am already on the winning side. Bob lost his balls half an hour ago!"