Sharing of Good Jokes

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Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

 

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

 

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

 

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

 

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

 

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

 

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

 

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

 

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A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the wooden toilet seat.

 

The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.

 

She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.

 

When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

 

"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."

 

 

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Three guys are sitting in a bar when another man comes in and start drinking. After a while, he approaches the guys, and, pointing at the one in the middle, shouts, "I f--ked your mother!". Then he goes off to get another drink. Ten minutes later he comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "Your mom gave me oral sex!" . Then he staggers back to order one more. Fifteen minutes later, he gets right up in the same guy's face and yells, "I've had your mom bent over the kitchen sink!". At this point, they've had enough. Thr middle guy pushes the old man toward the door and shouts, "Look, Dad, your'e drunk, go home!"

 

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A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

 

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

 

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

 

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

 

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

 

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

 

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A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly.

"Is everything okay, pal?", the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!".

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day".

 

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On his way out of church after mass, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister.

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A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor asks him what happened.

"Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."

"And?" asked the doctor.

"Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey

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Old couple visit New York, so they get out of the airport and get into a cab.

The cab driver asks them where are they from, so the old guy says they are from Canada. The old lady, being hard of hearing, yells "what did he say?". The old man replies: "HE ASKED WHERE WE ARE FROM I SAID WERE FROM CANADA!!!"

"What part of Canada are you from?", asks the driver. "We are from Ontario", replies the old guy.

The old lady says "what did he say?", so the old man replies, "HE ASKED ME WHAT PART OF ONATARIO WE ARE FROM I SAYD WE ARE FROM OTTAWA."

The driver then says "Ottawa. Worst piece of ass i ever got was in Ottawa.".

The old lady yells "what did he say?"

"HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU.", the old guy replies.

 

 

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An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.

When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

 

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One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.

As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the lot.

A few hours passed by and most of the other deer hunters had left by then, when the patron abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and drove out of the lot like a bat out of hell. The deputy followed him and stopped him promptly. He administered the breath-o-lizer test and it read 0.00.

Confused, the deputy asked the driver what the hell was going on. The driver looked at him innocently and said, "Well, tonight I'm the designated decoy

 

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A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face.

 

"Sir," she said, "the ladies room is unoccupied. You may use it only if you promise not to touch the buttons on the wall."

 

He was about to explode, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savouring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified with the letters: WW, WA and PP, and there was one red button labeled ATR.

 

Who would really know if he touched them? He could not just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed thw WW button. Warm Water was sprayed gently on his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him, the men's washroom didn't have nice things like this. Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the WA button.

 

Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside.He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the PP button. A large Powder Puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant smell of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.

 

The ladies room was far more than a restroom, it was a place of tender loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did he pressed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!

 

He knew he was in the hospital room as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies restroom!"

 

"You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.

 

 

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One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.

 

But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.

 

Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"

 

The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."

 

He soon falls asleep.

 

Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.

 

Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."

 

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One day a young man about the age of 25 was walking along the sidewalk in the park. Then all of a sudden he looks up from hearing the sound of an old man sobbing.

 

"What's wrong?" said the young man.

 

"Well it's nothing really." said the old man.

 

"It has to be something. Tell me about it" said the young man.

 

"Well, everyday after I wake up in the morning, me and my wife have wild sex. Then I leave for work" the old man said.

 

"That's not bad" the young man said.

 

"Well, when I get home from work, my wife has already finished making lunch for me and her. Then after lunch we have more wild sex." the old man said.

 

"That's not bad at all. There's no reason why you should be sobbing." said the young man.

 

"When we finish making love, I go back to work at my second job. Then i come home and by that time, my wife is finished making supper. Then we eat and have wild sex again through out the night." the old man said.

 

"If you are having sex all day, then why so glum?" the young man said.

 

Then the old man finally says why he is so glum, "I forgot where I live!"

 

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A fellow stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my shoes please?"

 

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me up here to make love to you!"

 

They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"

 

He replies, "OK, let's check!"

 

He shouts down the stairs to his friend, "Both of them?"

 

The reply comes back, "Yes, both of them!"

 

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An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

 

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

 

"What did he say? What's he want?"

 

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

 

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A man walks into a Doctors office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says: "I can't talk, help me!"

 

The Doctor thinks for a while and says to the man, "Put your penis on the table here."

 

The man thinks this is a bit weird but does as he says.

 

The Doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits his penis with it as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....." and the Doctor says, "Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B!"

 

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Two cowboys are out on the range one starry night talking about their favorite sex positions. One says,

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A young man goes to a whorehouse to expierence his first taste of sex.

 

The madam suggests that he start with 69. He decides to give it a try.

 

The prostitute leads him to a room, gets undressed, and instructs the young man on what to do.

Unfortunately, just as he starts she farts.

 

The man quietly says to himself, "phew", but he goes down on her again.

 

A moment later she farts again. He says "phew", but continues.

 

Once more she farts. This time he immediately gets up and starts walking out. She asks him what's wrong, and he replies "I don't think I can take another 66 of those!"