Sharing of Good Jokes

[Byteslurve]

A man calls room service at his hotel. "I want a breakfast of two eggs burned black around the edges, undercooked bacon, weak coffee,watery orange juice and cold, hard, unbuttered toast", asks the man.

 

"Why the hell would you want a terrible breakfast like that?", asks the room service guy.

 

"I'm homesick", replies the man.

 

[Byteslurve]

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back

with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically.

How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and

do you have a good relationship with your God?"

 

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's

fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom

(poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when

I'm done."

 

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

 

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said,

"George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in

awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night

and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes

off?"

 

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator

again!"

 

[Byteslurve]

A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.

 

Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I just won over a million dollars in Vegas."

 

His wife say, "That's wonderful. What should I pack for...Europe, the Carribean?"

 

He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home."

 

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There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit.

 

So one night, while they were in the middle of a romantic session, she turned on the lights.

 

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure devise. She got extremely upset. "You impotent b------d!" she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

 

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy if you explain the kids."

 

[Byteslurve]

The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of

attention as he checked into the resort hotel.

 

The following morning, the old boy came strutting into the dining

room, lookin' great with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to

order an enormous breakfast.

 

He laughed and joked and was in obvious good spirits, whereas his

young wife, who came into the room a half hour later, looked worn

out. She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waiter had to ask

her to repeat the order.

 

The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left for

their room. This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride,

"Honey, I can't figure it out. The old geezer, your husband, looks

like a million and you look like two cents. What's wrong?"

 

"That guy double-crossed me," the bride said. "He told me he'd

saved up for fifty years! And all the time I thought he was

talking about money!"

 

[Byteslurve]

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it

will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

 

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

 

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper

way?"

 

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can

knock the price down to $60."

 

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

 

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip

the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to

$20."

 

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

 

"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my

students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."

 

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

 

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A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

 

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

 

He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"

 

His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

 

[Byteslurve]

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."

 

"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

 

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A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."

 

[Byteslurve]

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

 

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

 

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

 

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

 

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

 

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A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel." The captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

 

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

 

[Byteslurve]

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

 

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

 

The room really got quiet.

 

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

 

 

[Byteslurve]

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

 

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

 

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

 

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"

 

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

 

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A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of a party."

 

The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes."

 

The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice (muscle pain relief).

 

The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."

 

The guy says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm."

 

Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?"

 

Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."

 

Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what ? "

 

"The girls never showed up!"

 

[Byteslurve]

Doctor Joe had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.

 

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

 

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

 

But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him. "Joe, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go."

 

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Joe, you're a vet."

 

[Byteslurve]

It's two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says, "Hello?... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and prompty slams the phone down.

 

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"

 

The husband replies. "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

 

[Byteslurve]

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

 

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

 

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

 

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

 

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

 

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

 

"So, what's your problem?"

 

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

 

 

[Byteslurve]

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."

 

"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.

 

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George.

 

"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

 

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

 

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father