Sharing of Good Jokes

[Byteslurve]

This lady goes into a tattoo parlor and asks the guy to put a tattoo of a

turkey on her upper right thigh. She goes back to the same tattoo parlor

two weeks later and asks him to tattoo a picture of a Christmas tree on

her upper left thigh.

 

Stumped, the guy finally decides to ask her why she wants these tattoos.

 

She said, "I'm tired of my husband complaining every year that there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

 

[Byteslurve]

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"

 

 

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A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

 

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to HR.

Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.

 

The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually

threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice"?

 

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."

 

[Byteslurve]

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in

her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even

managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host

could ask her the big question.

 

Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove

them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You

know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.

"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."

 

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started

heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to

run. I should be back soon."

 

After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked

grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she

cried excitedly.

 

"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the

answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane,

now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.

 

At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the

quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily

before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as

Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

 

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she

knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running

and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane

and asked the big question.

 

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10

seconds."

 

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. " Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the

heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it

into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

 

"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

 

[Byteslurve]

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:

 

Dear Wife:

 

You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter that I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I will be home before midnight.

 

When he arrived at the hotel, there a fax was waiting for him that read as follows:

 

Dear Husband,

 

You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you read this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, my love, do not wait up!

 

[Byteslurve]

After many months of trying to make ends meet, a couple decided that the only way they were going to get any extra cash was to have the old lady start hooking.

 

Early the next morning the wife came home looking very haggard and worn out. The husband guiltily asked how she did, to which the wife replied that she earned two hundred dollars and 50 cents.

 

 

[Byteslurve]

A blonde goes on "Who wants to be a Millionaire."

 

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

 

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

 

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

 

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

 

Is it........

 

A-Robin

 

B-Sparrow

 

C-Cuckoo

 

D-Thrush

 

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

 

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

 

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

 

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

 

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

 

(ringing)

 

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

 

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

 

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

 

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

 

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

 

A-Robin

 

B-Sparrow

 

C-Cuckoo

 

D-Thrush"

 

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

 

Barbara: "You think?"

 

Maggie: "I'm sure."

 

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

 

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

 

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

 

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

 

Barbara: "It is."

 

Regis: "Are you confident?"

 

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

 

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

 

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

 

(clapping)

 

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

 

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

 

[Byteslurve]

A young woman had been taking golf lessons all week long. She`d just begun her first game of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense , she couldn`t continue her game. She decided to go back to the clubhouse and get some medical attention.

 

Her golf Pro saw her enter the clubhouse and asked,"Why are you back so soon?" What`s wrong?"

 

"I was stung by a bee," she answered.

 

"Where?," he asked.

 

"Between the first and second holes," she replied.

 

He nodded his head knowingly and said,"Then your stance is too wide."

 

 

[Byteslurve]

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

Woman: "Why?"

Man: "Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

 

 

[Byteslurve]

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there is was too late and the man had died.

 

While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.

 

The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."

 

 

[Byteslurve]

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. One day she picked up the urn he was in and poured him out on the counter.

 

Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me, Irving?" She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"

 

She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?" She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"

 

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blowjob I promised you? Here it comes..."

 

[Byteslurve]

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

 

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

 

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

 

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

 

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

 

[Byteslurve]

This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

 

"No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

 

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

 

"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

 

[Byteslurve]

Grade this joke:

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Terrible Hilarious

 

 

Current grade is: 6.25

 

 

Using Vaseline

 

A woman answers the door to a market researcher. "Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"

 

"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."

 

"Do you use it for anything else?"

 

"Like what?"

 

"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."

 

"Oh, of course. Yes, I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out!"

 

[Byteslurve]

The US finally sent the first manned space mission to Mars. The spacecraft gently touched down and the astronaut descended and tested the atmosphere. Low and behold it was safe for people to breathe. He removed his space suit and exited the spacecraft. He was amazed to find himself in a lush green valley surrounded with beautiful wooded hills. He hiked for some distance and came upon a beautiful little white cottage with a lush green lawn surrounded by a white picket fence like something out of Better Homes and Gardens. He walked up to the front door and found it open.

He walked inside, looked around and hearing noises from the kitchen, he went back there. WOW, to his amazement he saw the most beautiful blonde he had ever seen standing over a large pot on the stove. Inside the pot was a gooey mess that she was stirring with a large spoon. As he watched she kept stirring and stirring.

 

After a couple hours he finally asked her what she was doing. She replied that she was having a baby. He was quite skeptical but after a couple more hours of stirring she reached down into the gooey mess and pulled out a beautiful baby girl. He told her that was really amazing but that was not the way it was done on Earth.

 

She asked, "How do you do it on Earth?"

 

With a twinkle in his eyes he said come on back to the bedroom and I'll show you. After an hour of the wildest sex he had ever experienced he lay back exhausted and lit up a cigarette.

 

"Well," she said, "where is the baby?"

 

He said "Oh, that takes nine months."

 

"Well why did you stop stirring?"

 

[Byteslurve]

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

 

She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

 

[Byteslurve]

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin & I'm not! Is there anything you can do to help me?"

 

The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

 

The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

 

Things begin to progress - her hubby "slips it in" and just then she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?"

 

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."

 

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"

 

 

[Byteslurve]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.

 

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

 

She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars."

 

He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?"

 

"A hand job", Harry reply.

 

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE ......

 

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"