Sharing of Good Jokes

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She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

 

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,

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A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.

 

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

 

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A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

 

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

 

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

 

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what were the types. The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?" Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?" The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

 

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A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. ''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''

 

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''

 

''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady.

 

 

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A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

 

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

 

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

 

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

 

The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"

 

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

 

One thing led to another and they make love.

 

After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

 

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"

 

"Didn't feel a thing!"

 

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A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."

 

The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."

 

"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.

 

The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

 

 

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A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

 

A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"

 

He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!

 

Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

 

He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

 

The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"

 

 

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A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark and had an afro. The doctor said, "Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?"

 

"Well, yes, but only once."

"Once is all it takes" he replied.

 

 

Then the torso came out and it was yellow.

"Madam, have you ever slept with an oriental man?"

"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."

 

"Once is all it takes," he said.

When the legs came out they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian.

"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."

"Once is all it takes," he said.

 

He finally pulled the baby all the way out and held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry. As it started to cry the woman exclaimed "Oh, thank God, at least it doesn't bark!"

 

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A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

 

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

 

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

 

 

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A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"

 

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."

 

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"

 

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: "You."

 

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One day a man went on a buissness trip to Florida.

 

He had saw this hooker and he asked "How much for a hand job?"

 

The hooker replied "100 Bucks"

 

The man said "100 Bucks, That's a lot of got damn money"

 

So the hooker pulled him to the side and said "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs."

 

So he gave her the money and received the best hand he had ever had.

 

The next day he sees her and asks "How much for a head job?"

 

She said "200 dollars"

 

"200 dollars that's a lot of money"

 

She pulled him to the side and said "You see that yahat by the pier, I paid for that yahat by giving head jobs."

 

So he gives her the money, and get the best head job of his life

 

On hist last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says "The hand job was good, the head job was great how much for the whole package."

 

"1000 dollars'

 

"1000 dollars that's a lot of god damn money"

 

So she pulled him to side and said "You see that island, I could afford that if i had a Vagina."

 

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One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.

 

The first nun said, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

 

He asked how.

 

She said "I saw a man's private part." He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.

 

The second nun comes in and says, "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

 

He asked how.

 

"I touched a man's private parts." He told her to wash her hands in holy water.

 

Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.

 

The fourth nun said, "I'm not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it."

 

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Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their

various disorders.

 

"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."

 

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."

 

"You must tell me what you did."

 

"I went to a faith healer."

 

"But I've tried that. My husband and I

went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."

 

The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."

 

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A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

 

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

 

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

 

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

 

"Tiger Woods."

 

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

 

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

 

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

 

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

 

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

 

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

 

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

 

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

 

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

 

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

 

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

 

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

 

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

 

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

 

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

 

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

 

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

 

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

 

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The train was travelling along when a beautiful young woman entered the compartment which was deserted except for a businessman reading his paper.

The man peered over his paper and asked "Would you let me have sex with you for a dollar?"

"Certainly not!" exclaimed the young woman, and the businessman returned to his paper.

A short while later he looked across again and said "Would you let me have sex with you for a million dollars?"

After a brief pause, the woman replied "yes, I suppose I would." Again the man returned to his newspaper.

A few minutes later the man asked "Would you let me have sex with you for five dollars?"

"Certainly not!" replied the young woman, getting angry now "What kind of girl do you take me for?"

"We've already established that" replied the man, "We're just haggling over the price!"

 

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A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

 

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

 

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

 

"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

 

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."

 

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Morris came home and found his wife Sadie crying.

She said, "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you''re having

an affair with your secretary. Why would you do that to me?

I''ve always been a good wife. I''ve cooked for you, raised

your children, and have always been by your side for 35

years. What haven''t I done to make you happy?"

Morris replied, "It''s true, Sadie, you''ve been the best

wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but

one. You never moan when we have sex."

Sadie said, "If I moaned when we have sex, would you stop

running around? All right, come to the bedroom so I can show

you that I can moan during sex."

They went to the bedroom, got undressed, and jumped into

bed.

As they started kissing, Sadie said, "Now, Morris? Should I

moan now?"

He said, "No, not yet."

He started to fondle her and she said, "What about now?

Should I moan now?"

He said, "No, I''ll tell you when."

He climbed on top of her and started to move on her.

She said, "Is it time for me to moan now, Morris?"

He said, "Wait, wait, I''ll tell you when."

A few minutes later, just seconds before he was going to

finish, he said "Now, Sadie. Moan! Moan!"

She said, "Oy, you wouldn''t believe what a day I had..."

 

 

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A man and his wife are returning from holiday, while on holiday they decided to buy themselves some pets, he bought a snake while the woman got a skunk.

As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which says

"NO ANIMALS WILL BE ALLOWED THROUGH QUARANTINE"

Slightly distressed the woman turns to her husband and asks what they should do. After thinking hard for 5 minutes the man come up with a plan

"what I'll do is tie the snake around my waist and try to pretend that it's a snake skin belt"

"Yes" the woman replies "but what about the skunk?"

"I don't know, you'll just have to hide it up your skirt"

"but what about the smell?" the woman asks.

To which the man replies "Look, if it dies it dies!"