Sharing of Good Jokes

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A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestures alluringly to the bartender who immediately comes over

to her.

When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face

closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his

full beard, "Are you the manager? "she asks softly stroking his

face with both hands.

"Actually, no..." the bartender replies.

"Can you get him for me? "she asks, "I need to speak with him

,"she says running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender "Is there anything

I can do???"

"Yes, there is, I need you to give him a message" she continued

huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing

him to gently suck them.

"What should I tell him?" he manages to say while not missing a

finger "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or

hand soap in the ladies room!!"

 

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A Sex Proposal

 

 

 

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,

but she belonged to someone else...

 

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to

her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me

screw you. But the girl said NO.

 

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on

the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the

time you pick it up. "

 

She thought for a moment and said that she would have

to consult her boyfriend... So she called her

boyfriend and told him the story.

 

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the

money very fast, he won't even be able to get his

pants down."

 

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour

goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his

girlfriend to call.

 

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and

asks what happened.

 

She responded, "The b------d used coins!"

 

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal

in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

 

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DavidBissonette : When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

 

Sacha Guitry: After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay

 

Socrates: By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

 

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them

 

Dumas: The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

 

Sigmund Freud: I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me

 

Anonymous "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."

 

Sam Kinison : "There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage

 

James Holt McGavran "I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't

 

Patrick Murray: Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up

 

Nash: The most effective way to remember your wife's is to forget it once

 

Anonymous: You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

 

Henny Youngman: My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met

 

Rodney Dangerfield: A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

 

Anonymous: A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

 

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有一晚,有个男人失眠,就对他老婆说:老婆我睡不著,

不如我们做爱啦!做完爱我就会好好睡。

他老婆就说:刁你老母,你以为我的鸡拜是安眠药呀!

第二晚,他的老婆失眠,就对他说:老公

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Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American, "You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once." We call this arranged marriage.

 

I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems."

The American said, Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story.

I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. "After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.

Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.

More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson.

Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson..

And you say you have family problems..

 

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A little boy walked in on his parents having sex.

 

He sees his mom bouncing up and down on his dad, and he says

 

"Mommy, what are you doing?" She said,

 

"Well, daddy's too fat so I thought I'd try to flatten him out.

 

" The boy replied, "Why bother,

Every Tuesday the maid comes over and blows him back up again!"

 

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Two women were playing golf.

 

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

 

The ball hit one of the men.

 

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

 

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

 

 

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Wife:

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The Queen Of England

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

 

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A husband and wife were out enjoying a round of golf and about to tee off on the third hole which was lined by beautiful homes.

The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large picture window.

Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.

They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what had happened.

When they peeked inside the home, they could find no one there. The husband called out and no one answered.

Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.

The wife said, "Do you live here?"

"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered.

The wife said, "Are you a genie?"

"Oh, why yes, I am. In fact, I am so grateful, I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the genie replied.

The husband and wife agreed on 2 wishes...one was a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.

The genie nodded and said, "Done!"

The genie now said, "For my wish I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years and, after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and millionaire."

The husband and wife agreed and after the genie and wife finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"

She replied, "3 years."

The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?"

To which she responded, "31 years old."

The genie then asked, "How long has he believed in this genie stuff?"

 

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A Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he

is going to China on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

 

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out.

 

The Loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

 

Two weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000? The Chinese replies: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there safely when I return.'

 

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Singapura Ghost

This happened about a month ago just outside of Lim Chu Kang cemetery, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

 

This ah beng was on the side of the road, looking for a taxi on a real dark night 3am in the middle of a heavy thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by.

 

It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

 

Wanting a ride real bad ah beng jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realized that there was nobody in the driver's seat.

 

Again the car crept slowly forward and the ah beng was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. He saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and began begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the monsoon drain and he would drown!

 

But just before the curve, a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!

 

Paralyzed with fear, ah beng watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally ah beng, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran and ran, into the nearby 7-Eleven.

 

Wet and in shock, his voice was quavering, bought a cup of hot coffee and told the customers and sale girl about his supernatural experience. After hearing his story, everyone was silent got goose bumps when all of them realized ah beng was telling the truth (and was not just some drunk).

 

About half an hour later two mens walked in and one said to the other, "Wah liao, who's tat idiot that jumped into our car when we were pushing it in the rain?"

 

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Ah Beng bought a new mobile.

He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said,>

'My Mobile No. Has changed.

Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610'

 

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Ah Beng : I am a Proud, coz my son is in Medical College.

Friend: Really, what is he studying.

Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him.

 

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Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.

DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.

Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.

 

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Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?

Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?

Ah Beng : No, I'll also stay with your sister.

 

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Ah Beng : People consider me as a 'GOD'

Wife: How do you know??

Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said,

Oh GOD! U have come again.

 

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Ah Beng complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing,

except the TV in my house.'

Police: 'How the thief did not take TV?'

Ah Beng : 'I was watching TV news...'

 

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Ah Beng comes back 2 his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine'

He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for compliment.'

 

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How do you recognize Ah Beng in School?

He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases

the board.

 

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Once Ah Beng was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.

So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast

announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would

be hot.

 

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Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and

Says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?'

 

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Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?

Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup

Ah Beng - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?

 

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Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense

Ah Beng : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'

 

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Ah Beng told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'

Servant: 'It's already raining.'

Ah Beng : 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'

 

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man asked Ah Beng why Ahmad Badawi goes walking in the Evening and not

in the morning Ah Beng replied Ahmad Badawi is PM not AM.

 

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Study finds Beer contains female hormones.

 

Last month National University of Lesotho scientists released the

results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female

hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory

is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and

that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour

period.

 

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally.

Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

 

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Golfer: Hey GOD, is there any golf course in Heaven ?

GOD: pause a while ... No answer

Golfer: Hey GOD I am asking you a question.

GOD: Let me check .....

Golfer: Sure, please.

GOD: OK.... I have book a 18 holes for you next month.

 

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An old Greek man lived alone in Oakleigh. He wanted to dig his tomato

garden, but it was hard work for his advanced years as the ground was very

hard.

 

His only son, Costa, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote

a letter to his son and described his predicament.

 

Dear Costa,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my

tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden

plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the

plot for me.

Love Papa

 

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

 

 

Dear Papa,

Don't dig up the garden. That's where I buried the bodies.

Love Costa

 

 

At 4 A.M. the next morning, Federal agents and Victoria Police arrived and

dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the

old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from

his son.

 

 

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the

circumstances.

Love Costa

 

 

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A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a

Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie

appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual

three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant

downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global

competition, I can only grant you one wish. So ... what'll it be?"

 

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.

See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

 

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady!

These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but

not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

 

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to

find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to

cook and helps with the housecleaning, gets along with my family,

doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish

for ... a good mate."

 

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map again!"

 

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A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a

room to meet with his former accountant.

 

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks

you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.

 

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you

embezzled from me?"

 

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot

understand you, but I can interpret for you."

 

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!" The

attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3

million dollars is.

 

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what

you are talking about."

 

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the

temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him

again where my damn money is!"

 

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where

it is!"

 

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in

a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

 

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

 

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell...

..that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."