Why settle for less than ideal partner?

[Cootie-Monster]

Aug 22, 2010

 

Why settle for less than your ideal?

 

By Amanda Tan

 

 

I don't want to settle for 'just good enough'.

I don't want to fall for just anyone or make exceptions simply to get hitched.

But it seems that that is exactly what young adults of my generation are being encouraged to do, at least according to the latest Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports (MCYS) campaign to try to get young singles to date.

Although the campaign is still in its planning stages, the tender for a communications agency to design the campaign made the suggestion that young adults 'moderate' their expectations of a partner.

But I don't want to fall for anyone less than ideal.

 

When I was growing up, my girlfriends and I had a checklist of what we wanted our perfect man to be. We'd measure and evaluate each boyfriend against that list to see how they matched up.

We wanted our guy to be cute, tall and who participated in a cool co-curricular activity. Coming from a good school wouldn't hurt, either.

Of course, none of us managed to get that guy as it was probably an unrealistic, and, in retrospect, frivolous set of criteria.

The guys we dated all fell short of at least one or two standards. But we still went out with them anyway, because we could forgive bad dress sense as long as the guy had a cute smile and a voice that made us swoon.

 

Now that we are a bit older - and perhaps a bit wiser - we have adjusted our set of requirements to more practical ones. These include being committed, being able to hold a good conversation, being financially stable and sharing similar values.

This set of criteria is no less difficult to fulfil than my teenage one. But this time, it is non-bargainable.

Sure, if people 'moderate' - which is really to lower - their expectations of their partners, MCYS' plan to get more couples dating, and eventually, to marry, would work.

 

But perhaps doing so would make the relationships poorer for it.

At first, it might seem easy to compromise or overlook certain things. But in the long run, lowered expectations will come back to pose problems and create resentment.

 

When one or both parties settle for less, it is not really an acceptance of the perceived flaws of the other. It is merely a temporary compromise. One or both parties may still harbour hopes to fulfil that particular want and this creates a perfect set-up for discontentment.

With time, when they realise that nothing is going to change, the parties get disgruntled and are more likely to bolt.

If the MCYS campaign succeeds, marriage rates may well increase, but I'm less optimistic that couples will stay together. This leads to other social problems such as broken families, insecure children and a cynical approach to love.

 

Arguably, couples who see in each other their perfect Mr or Ms Right are also up against such threats. Yet, I feel they are better equipped to weather such storms, because there is no residual resentment from having to compromise or bury certain hopes.

Seeing some of my friends who, like me, are in their early 20s, go through their relationships has made me realise the importance of sticking to my ideals.

 

A good friend recently pulled out from a long, loving and committed relationship. It was a difficult decision for her - but one I presume was a long time in the making. She left him because he could not quit smoking, despite repeated promises and vows to try.

Right from the outset, she knew it was a habit she could not live with. But she had thought she would be able to change him.

She did not succeed. Four years and many promises later, it was goodbye.

One does not have to be bratty and unrealistic - learning to compromise is a good thing - but not when it comes to the really important things. The make-or-break criteria, in other words.

 

Often, when people settle for less, they think to themselves, this is as good as I can get, and shudder at the thought of losing hold of what they see as a safety net.

But when a relationship becomes that - a safety net - it does not serve its full purpose to be enriching or one that helps both parties grow.

Singles should not be afraid of holding out or waiting for the right one to come along. Good partners aren't in short supply, if we only bother to look around.

 

My friends who once feared that they would not find a better guy than the one they had previously, are now in stronger and more fulfilling relationships. This, after they dared to stick to their ideals in their search for a partner.

It might take a while, but I believe it is worth the wait.

When it comes to finding a partner, there is no such thing as the right time, only the right one.

[Skunk]

typical of people who grew up in the computer-and-tv generation, so far detached from human nature, they don't understand that by definition, humans are dynamic, are not ideal, can only become more ideal (or in not so good cases, less ideal). Good luck to her trying to find an "ideal" partner, maybe she can try a robot LOL

[Hub_n_mona]

 

 

 

Seeing some of my friends who, like me, are in their early 20s, go through their relationships has made me realise the importance of sticking to my ideals.

 

 

 

I read this over the weekend in the papers too..sure doesn't seem early 20s to me..

but anyway, good luck to our gals for searching for the ideal person and not accepting those for who they are..good luck

[Pentium]

typical of people who grew up in the computer-and-tv generation, so far detached from human nature, they don't understand that by definition, humans are dynamic, are not ideal, can only become more ideal (or in not so good cases, less ideal). Good luck to her trying to find an "ideal" partner, maybe she can try a robot LOL

 

Her ideal partner may not find her ideal also.

[Help1]

the best way to ask themselves, are they fit to be an ideal wife/gf? ask them to list out the "ideal" qualities they themselves have it, and let others to judge it since they scrutinize opposite sex the same way as well....

[Icedbs]

what she say is not entire nonsense.....marriage rate does go up because of HDB pressure, peer pressure, family pressure , etc and all, but divorce rates are going up as well.

 

I guess end of the day, trying to find 100% ideal is also not logical because human character does change with age. What is more important is to decide what can be compromise now and what is totally not bargainable. If smoking is something the girl cannot accept, then don't even go near a guy who smoke hoping he will change.

 

 

[Novicej]

Love is a natural thing. If you love somebody, you just love that somebody irregardless of all the ideal conditions you hope for. The perception these women have are pitiful. No human can be on up trend all the time. Are these women going for divorce immediately if the guy doesn't pull through a down trend? It is unthinkable that $ becomes a condition for love.

[Icedbs]

Love is a natural thing. If you love somebody, you just love that somebody irregardless of all the ideal conditions you hope for. The perception these women have are pitiful. No human can be on up trend all the time. Are these women going for divorce immediately if the guy doesn't pull through a down trend? It is unthinkable that $ becomes a condition for love.

 

Bro..I think you are going off topic. In her article, she didn't say her criteria is a rich man or she will pull out immediately if her man goes on a down trend.

 

So let's not assume that path.

 

All the article is saying is that it is imperative for girls to find their ideal match. That's all about it.

Edited August 23, 2010 by Icedbs

[Perrier]

It is very rare to find the "ideal" life partner.

 

Everyone will has a list of their ideal companion but it is important to separate those "must-have" and "good-to-have" requirements.

 

To accept and embrace is what love is all about.

 

If you hear a clocking clicking away, thats our biological clock and we all know who are the clear winners.

 

Only downside is that one way or another, all will be affected if these ladies stay on the shelves beyond their shelf-life. Personal experience tells me, they tend to be hard to please boss.

[Chewbacca]

Guys, guys, guys.

 

Hope you're reading this article before commenting. What she says, makes sense. She's saying that she has already redefined her ideal based on practicality. She has dropped the stupid girlish-b-------t (things like, must be 178cm, makes me laugh, knows how to cook my favourite dish - foei gras de la poopoo, has a prehensile penis) already. She has cut down to her minimum requirements already. Requirements that she cannot compromise on.

 

That part is true. I will not want a wife that smokes (I don't smoke). I can't compromise on that. That's reasonable, isn't it?

[Kxbc]

I read this over the weekend in the papers too..sure doesn't seem early 20s to me..

but anyway, good luck to our gals for searching for the ideal person and not accepting those for who they are..good luck

I did not read the article but from her pic, she looks more like at least mid 30s.

[Mike1234]

IMO, i think SG girls are generally "high standards"...

 

[Thargor]

haha....ideal partner...

 

It's an idea of an ideal partner that exist only in one's mind.

 

I think what is most important is finding someone you can live with for the rest of your life and whom you can embrace and love his/her imperfections in that you love that person not because of what she is...but rather despite what she is.

 

My wife was the 'ideal partner' for me when we were dating....tall, beautiful, educated (Masters), and love kids. But well after marriage, the 'ideal factor' only lasted 6 months. I love her now not for the person that I hope she is...but rather for the person she already is and despite all the imperfections. In her own ways, she loves me that way too.

 

During my last ICT, we (the married guys) were telling this guy to set realistic targets...he's well...vertically challenged and maybe not the best looking of guys....and without a deep pocket. Well he told us he wants a beautiful doctor (PD) as a wife...and he will not give up on his goals. Well needless to say, we roll our eyes. A beautiful PD that potentially can earn in a day what he earns in a month....but well to each his own.

[Kingcopa]

No wonder more n more Singapore men marry foreigners.....

[Skunk]

She has cut down to her minimum requirements already. Requirements that she cannot compromise on.

 

that's the problem. Men with those requirements are either long taken, or will never take her LOL

[Curahee]

This only apply to asian men, when ang moh come, they will become more qin cai.

[Watwheels]

I have never heard of an ideal partner in a relationship. But I do always hear about compromise in a relationship and it's thru that you get to know each other better.

 

Seriously what she mentioned is immature in terms of relationship. To find out whether your partner is ideal or not takes a lifetime and not just over lunch or dinner. How the heck can she afford that kinda time? Talk c0ck. Sure, anyone can set the basis of what they are hoping to see in their partners but you will be consider lucky if they can fulfill most of them. Most importantly you can be patient and willing to give them chance to do so. If they can't you cannot force them to.

 

What young generation of younger ppl cannot tolerate is a little bit of compromise. They go thru a bit of hardship in a relationship only they want to give it all up. They are too comfy at where they are now, single. The thought of sacrificing their personal freedom and providing for the family is too much for them. One thing about what to expect in married life comes at a surprise for most as they have no idea or forgot what it's all about.

 

 

[Dj_spike]

She is smart to harp on other factors of her ideal guy to not make her look materialistic... but my opinion is she is still looking for a rich guy