A Joke A Day Keeps The Doctor Away

[Iisterry]

1. It takes 64 muscles to frown and 16 muscles to laugh.

 

2. Please do not reply in this thread unless you're adding a joke.

 

3. Please post only 1 Joke per 24 Singapore Hours per UserID to avoid cluttering.

 

4. Have an open mind.

Edited November 8, 2009 by Iisterry

[Iisterry]

S'pore Humour - PM's reply to Tolong Tolong Letter

 

Intro: The first letter was posted last year, in one of the forums , by a person who goes by the nick "ChinChaiOne" and he named his thread "Tolong Tolong". It was picked up by other forums, circulated around (even in govt depts) then someone posed as an official in the PM's office posted a reply.

 

OPEN LETTER COFFEE SHOP TALK

 

From : ChinChaiOne

28-Apr 12

:15

 

Dear Prime Minister,

We citizens of Singapore urge you to PLEASE MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

We DO NOT NEED your help. Every time, you mention HELP, we have to run for cover!!!

 

Help the poor? Raise GST!

 

Help traffic flow? Up ERP!

 

Help passenger service? Up Bus fare/MRT fare!

 

Help us get taxi? Raise taxi fare!

 

Help us get good government? Raise Minister and Civil servant salary!

 

Everytime YOU WANT TO HELP, we all PAY FOR IT!!!

 

THANK YOU THANK YOU

Edited November 8, 2009 by Iisterry

[Iisterry]

After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation.The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying;

 

My friend, you have not worked here for even one day.

The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.

 

Manager:- How many days are there in a year?

Man:- 365 days and some times 366

 

Manager:- how many hours make up a day?

Man:- 24 hours

 

Manager:- How long do you work in a day?

Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.

Manager:- So , what fraction of the day do youwork in hours?

Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third)

 

Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?

Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)

 

Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?

Man:- No sir

 

Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?

Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days

 

Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?

Man:- 18 days.

 

Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?

Man:- 4 days

 

Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?

Man:- No sir!

 

Manager: - Do you come to work on workers day?

Man:- No sir!

 

Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- 2 days sir! BR>

Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?

Man:- No sir!

 

Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- 1 day sir!

 

Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?

Man:- No sir!

 

Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- None sir!

 

Manager:- So, what are you claiming?

Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that

I was stealing Company money all these days.

 

Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!

HR=HIGH RISK

[Hondacrv]

Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"

 

Johnny: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."

[Admiralty]

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the

Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

 

The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.

 

The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can

Understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

 

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.

Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane sex with the camel.

 

When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

 

 

'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are.'

[Admiralty]

1. 存钱桶

 

有个寡妇去买黄瓜，并嘱咐不要切片，但卖黄瓜的忘记了，还是切了片，那寡妇见了，骂道：

[Admiralty]

H1N1 PROTECTION

In case of masks shortage for the H1N1,

you can make yourself a mask for protection.

 

Important recommendation:

preferable to use materials that are new.

[Baibai]

DO MEN REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

>

> A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

>

> She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

>

> She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep

> thought, just staring at the wall.

>

> She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee

>

> 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

>

> The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You

> were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

>

> The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

>

> 'Yes, I do' she replies.

>

> The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

>

> 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

>

> 'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

>

> The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my

> daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

>

> 'I remember that too' she replies softly.

>

> He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

>

> 'I would have been released today.'

[Baibai]

One Chinese person walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

 

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says "You Chinese people bombed ourPearl Harbor , get out of here."The astonished Chinese man replied "It was not the Chinese who bombed yourPearl Harbor , it was the Japanese"."Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

 

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says "You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship." Shocked, Spielberg replies "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me." The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

[Sgnick]

I was laughing alot after reading this one, definitely kept my dr away last week

 

HDB suffers S$2b deficit

By Joanne Chan, Channel NewsAsia | Posted: 02 November 2009 1743 hrs

 

 

SINGAPORE: The Housing and Development Board (HDB) has reported a S$2 billion deficit before government grants in its latest annual report. The figure is more than double the loss reported in the previous financial year.

 

HDB said the huge deficit for the financial year ending March was due mainly to more flats being sold. These flats are highly subsidised by the government.

 

Higher construction costs also led to the large deficit. Other reasons that contributed to HDB's loss included upgrading works for lifts and rental flats.

 

Between April last year and March this year, HDB pushed out 8,000 flats under its Build-To-Order Scheme. That was 2,000 more than what it supplied the year before.

 

At a media briefing on its latest annual report, HDB also gave an update on the Lease Buyback Scheme which allows low-income elderly Singaporeans to get a portion of cash upfront while HDB buys back the tail-end of the lease of their flat.

 

HDB has received more than 400 applications since the scheme was launched earlier this year. Some 25,000 households are eligible for the scheme, but the elderly have other options to monetise their flats.

 

HDB's CEO, Tay Kim Poh, said: "Some of them will sublet their entire flat, and the rental for even a three-room flat is very good nowadays. They can easily get S$1,500 per month from the rental and they (then) move in to stay with their children."

 

Despite the global downturn, HDB said the mortgage arrears rate has dropped 0.4 percentage point to 7.5 per cent.

 

Market watchers said this may be due to the high resale prices of HDB flats.

 

Eugene Lim, associate director of ERA Asia Pacific, said: "There was an upswing in the market since the beginning of this year. And what happens is that those households in arrears probably made use of this opportunity to sell their flat and downgrade to a flat that they can afford."

 

Moving forward, HDB said it will focus on improving community relations. A new department has been set up within the housing board to look at strengthening social cohesion and integrating newcomers.

 

- CNA/ir

 

 

[Little_prince]

wow... that's REALLY funny...

 

hahahaha...

 

the PAPies will be laughing all the way to the banks

 

[Simplyme]

The Men's Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally,the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear"the rules"
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE! Pay careful attention to the ones in red

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
(FIRST& FORE MOS TRUE)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
! Obvious hints do not work!
Justtell us what you want!

1.Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question..

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is in admissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Pls say whatever you have to say during commercials.. we don't disturb you while you are watching your soaps and serials.

1.Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A&n! bsp;color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it willbe scratched. We alldo tha

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will !act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is justnot worth the hassle. !

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as RacingorFootball.

1 . You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.


1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that ? It's like camping.


Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -

to give them a bigger laugh.

[Carmour]

My favourite one-liners.

[RadX]

this still my fav

[SonicYouth]

best of craigslist > omaha > to the guy doing my wife

Originally Posted: Thu, 21 Feb 13:43 CST

to the guy doing my wife

 

Date: 2008-02-21, 1:43PM CST

 

To the guy doing my wife. You know who you are. Yes I know. No I am not angry, I would just ask a few things of you. After all you are giving it to my wife.

 

1.Please stop leaving the seat up, I keep getting blamed and it is starting to get old.

 

2.You may be giving me a chance to go fishing more often but please stop drinking all my beer. It is fine if you have a couple while you visit(god knows

I drink plenty before I find her attractive), but please leave me a few as I have to be there longer than you.

 

3.If you do drink the last one buy more or leave money on the counter I will pick some up.

 

4.Please replace the toilet paper when you use it all. For some reason my 5 year old son belives if its not there he does not have to wipe. We keep it under the sink, unless you can recomend a better spot?

 

5.After doing my wife please use something disposable to wipe off with. The basket of clothes on the right is mine and the clothes are clean as my wife does not do my washing, Irun out of time rushing to work. Last week my sweatshirt was crusty(thanks).

 

6.Please do not tell my children that you are their uncle, they are young not

mentaly challenged.

 

7.Please stop turning the heat up, You pay nothing and MUD is putting it in my ass, my wife may like it but I think it hurts.

 

8.When she asks "do these pants make me look fat", say no. You may think giving a different answer will make her think twice about eating a gallon of ice cream a day but all you are doing is giving her a reason to go buy more pants that she will look just as fat in.

 

9.Stop eating the baked goods. The brownies you ate were from my mom for my birthday. My wife has not cooked anything that good for years and if she does she will not share.

 

10.Try shifting your weight when you sit on my chair. The recliner that I rarely have time for (soccer games and practice, basketball camp for the kids takes much of my time and I try to help with school work too)has a grove in it that forces me to roll to the left.

 

Lastly I would like thank you for taking her to lunch on Valentines Day. She was not as hungry as usual and only orded one meal.I may be able to use the money I saved to take the children to a movie. I hope you can help me with these items, it may become ackward if I have to confront her. If you can do this for me I will give you a heads up on when I will be gone and for how long so that you don't feel rushed.

 

P.S. I am going to take the kids to the Great Wolf Lodge on the 3rd of April for four days, I have abottle of vodka above the fridge if you find yourself low on beer.

 

Thanks This was not writen by anyone named Jack S.

 

Location: omaha

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 581897835

[Iisterry]

Three Arse supporters and three Spurs supporters are travelling by train to a game at the Emirates. At the station, the three Arse supporters each buy a ticket and watch as the three Spurs supporters buy just one ticket between them.

 

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Arse supporters.

 

"Watch and learn," answers one of the Spurs supporters.

 

They all board the train. The Arse supporters take their respective seats but all three Spurs supporters cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."

 

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Arse supporters see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game, they decide to copy the Spurs supporters on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Spurs supporters don't buy a ticket at all!!

 

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Arse.

 

"Watch and learn," answers a Tottenham lad.

 

When they board the train the three Arse supporters cram into a toilet, and soon after the three Spurs supporters cram into another nearby. The train departs.

 

Shortly afterwards, one of the Spurs supporters leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Arse supporters are hiding.

 

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

[Watwheels]

My favourite one-liners.

One more for your collection...

 

Sometimes very tempted to use it on some ppl here.

[Dav74]

Two guys sneak into a farmer's fruit garden and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. "Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of which ever fruit you want," said the farmer.

The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer.

The farmer says,"now shove em' all up your ass."

The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then e starts to laugh.

"Why you laughing?" asked the farmer.

To which the man replied, "My friend is out picking watermelons!"