Sharing of Good Jokes

[Byteslurve]

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."

 

The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"

 

The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.

 

The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."

 

The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."

 

The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island."

 

The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.

 

About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall.

 

He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."

 

She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.

 

The guy says, "Get me some nails."

 

She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.

 

The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "fish!"

 

She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."

 

[Byteslurve]

Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again." Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?" Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."

 

 

[Byteslurve]

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry," he assures her, "my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no risk." As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!" "No problem," he replies, "I'll get my wife's diaphragm." After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

 

 

[Byteslurve]

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night

together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all

night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.

 

He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.

 

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

 

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well,

that's what we had so much fun with last night."

 

And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

 

[Byteslurve]

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

 

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

 

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

 

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

 

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

 

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

 

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

 

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

 

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"

 

"Amen," replied the congregation.

 

[Byteslurve]

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.

 

"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

 

After 5...10...15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless.

 

He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

 

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here every Tuesdays and Thursdays."

 

[Byteslurve]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

 

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

 

A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

 

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

 

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"

 

[Byteslurve]

A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

 

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

 

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

 

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

 

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

 

[Byteslurve]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had told their new wives what their household duties were to be.

 

The first man had married a woman from Tennessee. He bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

 

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

 

The third man married a girl from Long Island. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, find a cleaning lady, and telephone a landscaper.

 

[Byteslurve]

A man 80 years of age married a young lady. A year later he carried her to the hospital, and she had a baby.

The nurse said to the man: "At your age, how do you do that?"

The man answered: "You just have to keep the motor running".

Another year passes, and the man carries her back to the hospital, another baby.

The same nurse said to the man and asked: "You are something else, how do you do that?". He said: "I told you that you just have to keep the motor running".

Another year and back to the hospital for another baby.

The same nurse said: "You are unbelieveable, how do you do that?!".

He said: "You got to keep the motor running".

She answered: "Well, you better change oil, because this one came out black".

 

[Byteslurve]

John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new Mink Coat?" he asks.

 

"Not really," says Mary.

 

"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.

 

"No," she responds.

 

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.

 

She again rejects his offer with a, "No thanks."

 

Frustrated he finally asks, "Well what would you like for your anniversary?"

 

"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.

 

John thinks for a moment and replies "Sorry dear, I wasn't planning to spend that much."

 

[Byteslurve]

A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn`t wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.

The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.

The following day, the wife goes to the doctor`s office. The doctor asks her what`s wrong, why doesn`t she want to have sex with her husband?

"Oh, that`s easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I`ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don`t have any money. The cab driver asks me, `Are you going to pay today, or what?` So, I take an `or what`."

"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I`m late, so the boss asks me, `Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?` So, I take an `or what`.

I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, `So, are you going to pay this time, or what?` Again, I take an `or what`.

So you see, doc, by the time I get home I`m all tired out and don`t want it anymore."

"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"

 

[Byteslurve]

A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to Lover's Lane. When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex. After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''

 

 

[Byteslurve]

The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and polite.

 

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh sir, did you know that your barracks door was open." He did not understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.

 

He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"

 

The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"

 

[Byteslurve]

A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack".

The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another".

The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".

As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"

The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her."

 

The bartender says "Geez, what did you say."

 

The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

 

Edited January 10, 2011 by Byteslurve

[Byteslurve]

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly

irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how

horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could

have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his

friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so

terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

 

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did

you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife

in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the

gun on himself!"

 

 

"That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."

 

 

 

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it

have been worse?"

 

 

"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I`d

be dead now!"

 

[Byteslurve]

These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader`s store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one`s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.

The guys asked "What`s that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you`re going there are no women and you might need this." They said, "No way! We`ve sworn off women for life!" The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you, and if you don`t use them I`ll refund your money next year. "Okay," they said and left. The next year this guy came into the trader`s store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said "Weren`t you in here last year with a partner?"

"Yeah" said the guy. "Where is he?" asked the trader. "I killed him" said the guy. Shocked, the trader asks "Why?" To which the guy replies, "I caught him in bed with my board!"

 

 

[Byteslurve]

Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.

 

"Father, I am sinful."

"Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."

 

"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."

 

"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."

 

"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."

 

"That's not very good of you."

 

"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."

 

"Father? ......... Father?" suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him. "Father? Where are you?"

 

He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano. "Father, why are you hiding here?" "Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."