Sharing of Good Jokes

[Byteslurve]

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for

speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down

her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red

sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the

works.

 

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your

drivers license?"

 

"What's a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away

the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

 

"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling

for a

few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your

registration?" asked the cop.

 

"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde.

 

"It's usually in your glove compartment." said the cop impatiently.

After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

 

"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car.

The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the

woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the

dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red

sports car?"

 

"Yes." replied the officer

 

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher

 

"Uh... yes." replied the cop.

 

"Here's what you do." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff

back, and drop your pants."

 

"What!!? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop.

 

"Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher.

 

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and

registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

 

The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another

breathalyser.

 

[Byteslurve]

One cold Winter day, a blonde decides she wants to take up ice fishing. When she gets to the pond, she begins to cut a hole in the ice. As she does, she hears a voice. "There's no fish there...".

Puzzled, the blonde picks up her stuff and cuts another hole a few feet away. Again, she hears the voice. "There's no fish there..."

The blonde is confused, but still determined. About 10 feet away, she begins to cut another ice hole. "There's no fish there...", she hears.

She immediately turns her head to the sky and says, "Is that you, God?"

 

"NO! IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE-SKATING RINK! THERE'S NO FISH THERE!"

 

 

[Byteslurve]

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

 

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other

kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,

6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

 

"Very good," said her mother.

 

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

 

"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

 

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"

she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids

could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

 

"Very good," said her mother.

 

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

 

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

 

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,"

she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the

other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank

top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

 

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

 

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

 

"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

 

[Byteslurve]

Three blondes walk into a forest and soon find a pair of tracks.

 

The first blonde says: "I think they're deer tracks."

 

The second blonde says: "No, I think they're bear tracks."

 

The third blonde says: "You're both wrong! They're bird tracks!"

 

Then they get hit by a train.

 

[Byteslurve]

An Blonde calls her boyfriend and says,

"Please come over here and help me, I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks,

"What is it supposed to be when it's finished??

The girl says,

"According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

 

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help her with the puzzle. She lets him

in and shows him where she has the puzzles spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box. He turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then put all these Frosties back in the box."

 

[Byteslurve]

Q & A

 

 

Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?

A: So brunettes can remember them.

 

Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

A: You pick it up pull the pin & throw it back.

 

Q: What happened to the blonde tap r?

A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.

 

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?

A: The joystick is wet.

 

Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?

A: Pick them up off the floor.

 

Q: Why don't blonds play frisbee?

A: It hurts their teeth.

 

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

A: Gifted!

 

Q: How do blonde braincells die ?

A: Alone.

 

Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?

A: They can't find the zipper.

 

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the fish?

A: She tried to drown it.

 

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?

A: Not everyone has been in a 747.

 

Q. why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar?

A. because she heard the drinks were on the house.

 

[Byteslurve]

There are three people: a blonde named Stacy, a red-head named Mary, and a guy named Jack.

 

One day Mary says "I think we should rob a bank." And everyone agrees.

So the next week after much planning they all set it up. "Now remember me and Mary are going to circle around for two minures, got it?" Says Jack, "Okay." Says Stacy.

They drive away and two minutes pass and they come back. Stacy hasn't come out. 3 minutes pass, 4 minutes pass, 10 minutes pass, and after 11 minutes Stacy comes runing out with a safe that has been tied up and a guard with his pants down chasing after her. Stacy jumps in the car and they drive off.

 

Imidietly Mary says, "I told you to blow the safe and tie up the guard!!!"

 

[Byteslurve]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

 

[Byteslurve]

There is a blonde, a redhead and a brunette on the stairway to heaven.

 

God says, "There are 3,000 steps and i'll tell you a joke on each 1,000th step you reach. If you laugh you go to hell."

 

So they start walking and reach to the first 1,000th step. God tells a joke, the brunette laughs and goes to hell.

 

Then on the 2,000th step God tells a joke, the redhead laughs and goes to hell.

 

On the 3,000th step God tells a joke, the blonde doesn't laugh and proceeds to the gate.

 

Suddenly, she bursts out laughing. God asks, "what are you laughing about?", so she replies, "i just got the first joke!".

 

[Byteslurve]

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

 

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

 

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!"

 

 

[Byteslurve]

A blonde received a certificate for helicopter flying lessons for her . One day she was bored and decided to take advantage of the opportunity.

 

When she arrived at the place, the man said "Well, there's only one helicopter here, and it only has one seat, if I show you how to do it, do you mind going up solo?"

 

"Oh of course! I can handle it" the blonde replied.

 

Well, he showed her the inner-workings of the helicopter and sent her on her way, only asking that she radio in every 400ft. just to make sure everything was going smoothly.

 

at 400ft, she radioed in saying "wow! this is so much fun!"

 

At 800 ft. She radioed in again saying "this is pretty easy, I can do this all day!"

 

At 1200 ft. She didnt. he waited and waited, and didn't hear from the blonde! seconds later he heard a crash in the field next to the station. He ran out to see what happened, the blonde crashed!

 

Luckily she survived, "what happened?" he exclaimed.

 

"Well, I was doing fine, but, I started to get cold, so I just turned off the big fan!"

 

[Byteslurve]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a bottom deodorant. "Sorry, we don't sell bottom deodorant" the pharmacist replies, struggling to keep from laughing.

 

"But I always buy it here", the blonde says. "I bought one last month". Thinking quickly, the pharmacist suggests, " I don't know what you bought before, may be you can bring in the empty container next time". "Sure", the blonde replies. "I'll bring it with me tomorrow"

 

The next day, the blonde walks into the shop again and hands the pharmacist an almost empty deodorant stick. "This is just a normal deodorant", the pharmacist tells the blonde, "You use it under your arms".

 

"No, it is not", the blonde answers, "it says so here: To apply, push up bottom".

 

 

[Byteslurve]

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in.

 

The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

 

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.

 

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.

 

"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"

 

"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

 

Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"

 

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.

 

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

 

"Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it...."

 

[Byteslurve]

This guy goes to sit at his plane seat in first class, and finds a blonde there. He says, excuse me miss, but this is my seat. She replies, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I have a great body and I'm going to Florida. So the guy calls the stewardess over to help him.

 

He explains the situation to the stewardess, and the stewardess says, miss, your seat is in coach, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave first class. The blonde response, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I have a great body, and I'm going to Florida.

 

The stewardess then goes to get the captain to help her, and the captain asks the blonde to please leave first class, and go back to coach. The blonde response, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I have a great body, and I'm going to Florida. The captain thinks about this for a minute, then whispers something in the blondes ear. As soon as he does, she gets up and goes back to coach..

 

The stewardess is amazed. What did you say? The captain replies, I told her first class doesn't go to Florida.

 

[Byteslurve]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde.

 

The brunette says in a disgusted voice, "Hang on the bathroom is just up the hill, I'll go get some toilet paper."

 

After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh.

 

The redhead says, "What's so funny?"

 

The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her. By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!"

 

 

[Byteslurve]

One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business.

While she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream.

 

Then they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But with the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got them back in."

 

[Byteslurve]

This fat guy sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They strip him and lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute. He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a gorgeous blonde, stark naked, with a sign saying

 

"If you catch me, I'm yours."

 

He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.

 

He's back on the street and starts to think.

 

"Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..."

 

So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg."

 

"No problem," says the manager.

 

Again he strips, and is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a gorilla with a sign

 

"If I catch you, you're mine."

 

[Byteslurve]

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."

"No, from all that skipping."